The Ten Commandments of a Holiday Party.
by phoebe waller-bridge
Thou Shalt Not Overbook.
Nobody likes a floater! Pick a party and stick to it!
Thou Shalt Not Put the Mistletoe on Thy Belt
Pretty self explanatory.
Thou Shalt Bring a Loyal Wingperson.
Doesn't have to be a date, just a companion that'll keep you from doing shit things like breaking commandments one and two.
Thou Shalt Not Sit Thyself upon Party Santa's Lap and Asketh Him to 'Come Through Your Chimney'.
That poor bastard is not being paid enough.
Thou Shalt Not Steal Thy Neighbour's Holiday Haul
(unless it’s a white elephant situation in which case
steal Sharron’s fucking crockpot and don’t look back).
Thou Shalt Not Regift (but if you do, DO IT RIGHT).
Seriously, if you steal Sharron's crockpot one year you can't gift it to her the next. Actually...scratch that you should do that that's hilarious.
Thou Shalt Only Pee in the Toilet, No Matter How Drunk
You should not pee into a pot, or outside in the parking lot, don't bother pissing in that shoe, ONLY let loose in the loo
Thou Shalt Wrap All Your Presents, No Matter How Drunk You Are (Wink Wink).
this is a joke about rubbers
Thou Shalt NOT DRIVETH.
9A. THOU SHALT TIPPETH THY DRIVER
9B. THOU SHALT TIPPETH EXTRA LOTS IF SICK
Thou Shalt French Exit If Thou Fucking Feelst Like It.
Not to be confused with a British Exit, where you hack off 27 other party guests and make a big to do about leaving, only to linger about until aft-er the new year.